you said you loved me. then you took it away. that's what hurts the most.

I had started a post about the awesome things that happened in my life last year. It was going to end with the meeting of a guy finally. Well, the guy part was great until he decided he wanted to spend more time doing other things and  conveniently forget about me. Which HURT. SO. MUCH. Especially when I had a date planned and he 'changed his mind'. We had broken up, it didn't feel right so I left him alone and days later we're getting back together, which was great, it was what I wanted, he said it was what he wanted. Then 2 weeks go by, we do our own things on the weekend and then I'm there because I care, when he called. I spent that time, I stayed through and did the sleepless night regardless if I had to work. BECAUSE I FUCKING CARE, AND FUCKING LOVE HIM.

I hadn't let anyone into my life in 5 years. The last man I was with did a big number on me and when I finally found this one I though I had hit the jackpot. A great guy, who cares for me, wants me around, and we spent some really great times together. Drove to Buffalo in a snowstorm to go christmas shopping, going to Toronto to walk around and see the lights and attempt to shop but then didn't. We did Christmas with each others families, and many other awesome things. I FELL HEAD OVER HEELS FOR THIS MAN. and now he can only offer to be my friend. He has his own shit to work out and of course having me in his life being his girlfriend is just too much. I feel like that's kind of bullshit in a way, because If you care for someone you don't push them away when you need love and support. YOU JUST DON'T WANT LOVE AND SUPPORT FROM ME. That's what fucking hurts.  Relationships require a little bit of work, and you're not willing to do it, not willing to try it. It was all about you, and how you feel and what YOU want. Well, WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT HOW I FEEL? WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT? YOU DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT THAT BECAUSE IT'S NOT CONVENIENT FOR YOU. I feel like a fool who fell for this man. I feel like in the end, I just don't matter enough for him to give a flying fuck about me. I feel like crawling into a hole and dying for awhile until the pain goes away. I feel like I was nothing. Worthless. Useless. I feel like I was not enough to make him happy with 'us'. Just not enough. We weren't together for long, but it was seriously the happiest I had been in years. i was content floating along doing whatever i wanted for me, and not being with someone, but there was always something missing. I found him. He was that something missing. That partner in crime, the person I felt I could count on. He said he loved me. YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME AND YOU TOOK IT AWAY. THAT'S what hurts the most. My heart felt so full. now it feels very empty and rotten. torn apart. ripped out of my chest and crushed between your fingers as you squeezed and disintegrated into nothing. Thanks for that.