Mental Health Awareness... It's pretty damn important.

So I'm inclined to write. There are people in my life who suffer from depression, anxiety and other forms of not feeling so awesome, this includes myself. It is SO IMPORTANT to be able to talk about these things with people who care about you. There may be nothing they can do physically, but just being there emotionally is so key. I don't know where I'd be without caring people in my life. I have times where I can't function properly as a human being due to stress and how it affects my emotions and mental well being. I can have panic attacks. I can have energy draining days that turn into a week, which turns into a complete meltdown, where I can't do anything but sleep or cry or both. I have sought help from my family doctor, who has been helpful in giving me drugs to cope with these outbursts, but overall I am okay 99% of the time. I don't need it mostly. More recently I have, and I am happy to know that when the shit hits the fan, I am aware of it and generally why and can take care of myself. I have never seen a counselor, but there are valid things in my past that could benefit from it, so far I'm ok and have dealt with my issues as they came. I had a time where I can say I was legitimately depressed and took regular medication for it. There is nothing wrong with that, because without being able to be on an even keel as it were, I would not have been able to function as a proper human being and would not have been able to work through it to the point where I could stop taking the medication. I used it like a crutch to help heal. I feel like even though mental health is a touchy subject, the more we talk to one another and keep on caring about others as a human race, maybe we can understand more as to how and why this stuff rears its ugly head. For some it's chemical imbalances, hormonal imbalances, traumatic experiences. I can say that for myself I can't be 100% sure where I am in the grand scale of things, but I do suffer from anxiety, and am prone to being more sad than some at certain things. All I know is that because of a brilliant support system and knowing myself, that I am lucky, because not everyone has what I have.

you said you loved me. then you took it away. that's what hurts the most.

I had started a post about the awesome things that happened in my life last year. It was going to end with the meeting of a guy finally. Well, the guy part was great until he decided he wanted to spend more time doing other things and  conveniently forget about me. Which HURT. SO. MUCH. Especially when I had a date planned and he 'changed his mind'. We had broken up, it didn't feel right so I left him alone and days later we're getting back together, which was great, it was what I wanted, he said it was what he wanted. Then 2 weeks go by, we do our own things on the weekend and then I'm there because I care, when he called. I spent that time, I stayed through and did the sleepless night regardless if I had to work. BECAUSE I FUCKING CARE, AND FUCKING LOVE HIM.

I hadn't let anyone into my life in 5 years. The last man I was with did a big number on me and when I finally found this one I though I had hit the jackpot. A great guy, who cares for me, wants me around, and we spent some really great times together. Drove to Buffalo in a snowstorm to go christmas shopping, going to Toronto to walk around and see the lights and attempt to shop but then didn't. We did Christmas with each others families, and many other awesome things. I FELL HEAD OVER HEELS FOR THIS MAN. and now he can only offer to be my friend. He has his own shit to work out and of course having me in his life being his girlfriend is just too much. I feel like that's kind of bullshit in a way, because If you care for someone you don't push them away when you need love and support. YOU JUST DON'T WANT LOVE AND SUPPORT FROM ME. That's what fucking hurts.  Relationships require a little bit of work, and you're not willing to do it, not willing to try it. It was all about you, and how you feel and what YOU want. Well, WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT HOW I FEEL? WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT? YOU DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT THAT BECAUSE IT'S NOT CONVENIENT FOR YOU. I feel like a fool who fell for this man. I feel like in the end, I just don't matter enough for him to give a flying fuck about me. I feel like crawling into a hole and dying for awhile until the pain goes away. I feel like I was nothing. Worthless. Useless. I feel like I was not enough to make him happy with 'us'. Just not enough. We weren't together for long, but it was seriously the happiest I had been in years. i was content floating along doing whatever i wanted for me, and not being with someone, but there was always something missing. I found him. He was that something missing. That partner in crime, the person I felt I could count on. He said he loved me. YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME AND YOU TOOK IT AWAY. THAT'S what hurts the most. My heart felt so full. now it feels very empty and rotten. torn apart. ripped out of my chest and crushed between your fingers as you squeezed and disintegrated into nothing. Thanks for that.